#selfloveselfiesunday Happy Sunday! What a night. I decided to face fear and check something off my bucket list… solo camping. After my gratitude workshop yesterday, I headed to the mountains to beautiful Gross reservoir (not appropriately named) for my adventure. I got there just before dark, pitched my tent and hammock, set up my fire, and journaled by the lake. I was feeling invincible. The only one around for miles. I arrived by 3:45 and it was dark by 5:30. I kept detailed notes as I updated by the hour to track my progress and mindset.
I was alone, but not lonely. I was alert, but not in panic mode. And, I was enjoying my company.
7pm came. I had a dance party, journaled 4 times already, filled out my desire map, ate dinner, drank 4 cups of tea…I decided it was time for bed. Got into my hammock for the “sleep under the stars” kind of vibe and began to fall asleep.
The wind blew so hard that it swayed my hammock. And then, SNAP! Crackle! Pop! My fire started again since I didn’t adequately put it out. My lounge chair blew into the fire from the wind. I jumped out of my hammock grabbed my lounge chair and poured water on the fire again. I made sure it was completely out this time and realized it is easier to start forest fires than I thought.
I laid back down. It took me 5 minutes to get situated. The wind came again. I heard it through the trees minutes before it got to me. Then it blew over my tent I had set up just in case it rained. It blew the tent into the coals of the fire. Then, the wind blew again blowing my unoccupied sleeping bag away while I tended to the tent. I get everything back together, get back in my hammock, take 5 more minutes to get situated, finally begin to fall asleep…four cups of tea was a bad idea. I have to pee.
I go to the bathroom. I get situated AGAIN much less comfortably this time and close my eyes. It is 9 pm and this is when my mind begins to wander to every scary movie, tv show, and preview I have EVER seen. The wind gets stronger and it gets colder. I imagine zombies, a hungry pack of wolves, a hungry pack of coyotes, or one of the people from The Hills Have Eyes. All of them equally possible, of course. It is 9:05. “I could go home, it’s still early enough.” I think to myself, but immediately push that idea out of my mind. No way! I came here to camp and I’m not letting myself fall into fear. If I fall into fear once, when will I do it again?
The wind picks up, my camp blows around, the trees begin to sway. My toes are numb. I can’t sleep. I grab my things and go to my car to sleep thinking it will be more peaceful and warmer. The warmer part was true. But, the wind picks up so much that my car begins to rock back and forth. My wind shield wipers are vibrating as wind gets underneath them and my license plate is rattling.
Needless to say, it was a rough night. And, I stayed. I was the only car for miles. I have been afraid of being in the woods by myself since I was little and have always been afraid of the dark. Unrealistically afraid and a therapy kind of afraid. I faced my fears and am here to live to tell the tale. And, I decided solo camping probably isn’t my heart’s biggest desire. And, I still did it. I faced my fear, I felt it, and I didn’t cave in.
I love how I take risks on myself. I love how I do things that push myself out of my comfort zone. And, more than anything, I love how I show up for myself. This is what I wrote to myself last night:
“I appreciate you. I appreciate you because you always show up for yourself. I love how you do things even though you are scared sometimes. I love how you always are here for yourself. You fill every need you have. You offer yourself love, acceptance, and belonging. You make yourself feel safe even when you are scared. You love yourself deeper even in times of adversity. You give yourself everything you need and you still let people in and you still let other people support you. I am always proud of you, especially tonight.”
I just launched my True You! program. I love that I can say this about myself and I haven’t always been able to. In fact, until recently I couldn’t. It took the guidance, lessons, and support of many people in my life and I want to be this for you. The life we lead deserves (a blog post to come on this word) to be a reflection of the value we bring to the world. And, before you go and beat yourself down in your head, give yourself some credit. It doesn’t matter what you do, what you’ve achieved or haven’t achieved, you are worthy of a life full of love, joy, vitality, and wonder. If I know anything, I know this. So, do something for you and answer these questions below:
What does it mean to be your #TrueYou? And, what do you love about yourself?